By Dorian Martin, I Start Wondering Founder
“My yearly focus is on sovereignty.”
That comment about my overarching intention for 2024 stopped many of my girlfriends in their tracks. Picturing Queen Elizabeth II’s far-reaching realm in their minds, my friends were surprised when I explained that I was using this word to guide what I really want in my life.
My friends quickly asked, “Don’t you have sovereignty in your life already?” My honest answer: a wholehearted “Yes,” quickly followed by a resounding “No!”
Therein lies the rub. While I’m fortunate to have a high level of freedom in my life, I also have sabotaged my own sovereignty over the years. I felt 2024 was the time for me to firmly place the crown on my own head so that I can fully embrace my gifts and “squeeze the juice out of life,” as broadcaster Vin Scully once said.
Unlike my previous efforts with standard New Year’s Resolutions that didn’t take, having an overarching annual theme (which I’ve done for about a decade) has led to more thoughtful decisions and actionable and transformative changes across all areas of my life.
In fact, exploring the concept of sovereignty has been so transformative that I’ve decided to maintain that annual intention in 2025.
What IS Sovereignty?
Let’s start by defining sovereignty. According to Merriam-Webster, the word can be defined as:
“freedom from external control: autonomy.”
To a certain degree, I (along with the I Start Wondering team and many other women) enjoy a strong sense of freedom. I’m fortunate to have been graced with good health, meaningful work, supportive friendships, and amazing experiences and opportunities.
Yet, as I’ve taken the time to pause and reflect, I’ve also realized that I’ve served as the long-time home for those mental gremlins known as lack, fear, and shame. Those feelings and thoughts have led to a constant sense of striving, putting others’ needs first and taking on issues that weren’t mine to carry, an unwillingness at times to stand up for myself, and a hesitancy to voice an opinion that goes counter to the cultural norm. And that state, ultimately, is antithetical to feeling like one is sovereign over one’s life.
Others have a similar viewpoint. In her book, On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to be Good,* author and podcaster Elise Loehnen wrote, “Placing faith in our own sovereignty is critical. Even those who don’t believe in a larger spiritual or religious construct seem to agree that developing and making use of your unique gifts—finding and fulfilling your individual, true purpose—is the primary work and point of life. But we can’t focus on that when we are spending our mental, emotional, and spiritual capital contorting ourselves, pulling ourselves out of balance, and using an abundance of energy to punish ourselves for the very qualities that make us human.”
Some Sovereignty Lessons
Focusing on sovereignty for an entire year has given me a chance to deeply consider what I want my life to be like in this chapter and then identify the next steps to create it. That’s offered a wealth of lessons, including the following:
Stepping Away
More often than not, I’ve said “Yes” to various invitations to be involved in projects. However, I’ve learned that making unconsidered choices can leave me overextended and without the energy to do what truly lights me up.
To that point, I’ve started reconsidering where I spend my time. I now look for whether the situation or relationship gives or drains my energy and then make my decision accordingly. As a result, my daily schedule has become more aligned with what “sparks joy,” as Marie Kondo would say. I work with freelance clients who are aligned not only with my skillset and knowledge base, but also with my style of working. That’s also given me the flexibility to teach meditation classes in the middle of the workday. Ultimately, this approach has proven to be a “win-win” for everyone.
Listening to My Heart
Like many, I can still hear influencers’ voices in my ears, prompting me toward certain actions. In my case, it’s primarily my parents, yet I’ve also realized that their counsel was based on their mindsets that reflected the timeframe in which they lived. Those times are long gone as have the standards that were in place.
Therefore, I’ve started attuning my thoughts and actions to what I want. As a result, I’ve sold much of my mother’s jewelry that I would never wear and sent old family photos and historical documents to a relative . I admit that initially I felt a wave of internal criticism begin to emerge, but then it dissipated as I freed up more space, both literally and figuratively, in my life.
Additionally, I stepped into my own in adopting a dog. Previously, my parents had influenced my selection of miniature Schnauzers because of their intelligence, size, and lack of shedding—and my mother had always encouraged me to select a female dog. However, when it came time to adopt a new dog, I took extra time to consider what I wanted in my next canine companion—and went in a totally different direction. My choice: Hero, a medium-sized male mixed breed pup from Aruba (who sheds). I haven’t regretted my decision for a moment.
Embracing My Choices
We all give away our power in different ways. We often give others—whether it’s our partner, parents, girlfriends, work colleagues, marketers, celebrities, social media influencers, elected officials, etc.—undue influence over what ultimately is our choice.
Case in point: my hair.
While I had made the decision to quit coloring my thick curly hair decades ago, I have not been as decisive about my hairstyle, other than wanting something that was low maintenance. So for 30 years, I delegated my haircut selection to my long-time hairstylist.
When she retired in 2024, I had to search for a new stylist and take ownership of “my look.” As a result, I found the Instagram account for Gianpio Cappucci, who regularly features videos of his work creating modern and flattering hairstyles for older women. I boldly sought out a new hairstylist, showing her one of Cappucci’s styles, and am now enjoying the challenge of getting the new look with the help of previously unused styling products.
Cleaning Up My Act
I like to think that archetypally a sovereign at her best would rule with a wise, balanced, calm, and thoughtful sense of integrity. As a result, her relationships would reflect this sensibility because she wouldn’t encourage or be pulled into the drama.
By taking this view, that’s meant really looking at and disarming my own triggers and unwinding my long-held stories that aren’t really true. I’ve also had to analyze where I’m being manipulative, indirect, bullying, or some other less-than-stellar behavior.
It’s also meant really considering the power of my words, especially in making a commitment. Sometimes, I have given an affirmative response— “That sounds like fun!” —to things that really are not of interest. That’s not fair to the other person and it takes me out of integrity. Therefore, I’m focusing on the decision point and really determining if what is being asked is where I want to invest energy. As a result, my “yeses” are getting clearer—and I’m more comfortable saying, “No, thank you!”
Cleaning up my act also means respecting other people’s sovereignty over their lives, which in turn means keeping the focus on my own lane, especially when I have a different opinion about another person’s choices. It also means learning to set and hold boundaries, something that can be uncomfortable at first.
In closing, I’m looking forward to continuing to explore the concept of sovereignty into another year. I’m going to deepen my understanding through using a subtheme of sustainability. Again, just as with sovereignty, I use the word sustainability on a personal scale. For example, how can my diet, movement and daily routine more fully sustain my health? How can I make more choices that give me energy? How can I listen more deeply to my body to tell if I’m getting off balance and need to rest—or if I’m slacking off too much and need to kick it into gear? Needless to say, it should be an interesting year….
What will you focus on in the New Year?
*Proceeds from the purchase of these books will be used to support I Start Wondering's programming for women who have reached mid-life and beyond.
I love just the image of being the sovereign of our lives. This has brought a new way of looking at my life. It was there, I just didn't know it. Thank you... Give sweet Hero a treat for me 😁