Calling ‘Cut’ to Life’s Drama by Embodying Peace

By Dorian Martin, I Start Wondering Founder

Created by Myka Alley with AI

This past month, I’ve watched multiple hummingbirds fight over my feeder. One will land, take a few sips, and then hover close by. Patrolling the space, the lightweight fighter zooms to the tree to watch for another hummer coming into the area. Then it’s a zoom-fest as multiple birds make a high-speed racetrack of my side yard, trying to determine who is “ruler of the feeder.”

But every now and then, I’ve been surprised to find two and even three of these little avian beauties eating at the same time around the same feeder. Maybe they finally got the word—there is actually plenty more where this came from. We can share a feeder and play nice; just periodically tap at the window to get the attention of that human who is typing away at a computer. In fact, we’re pretty sure that she’s just brewed up a new batch of sugar water that’s cooling nearby.

But then the short-lived peace treaty falls apart and it’s back to pitched hummingbird battle.

Oh, the drama of it all….

The World as a Stage

That little microcosm happening outside the window seems to mirror what’s happening in the world today. Lots of drama is taking place as we knock each other out of the way to be first in line at the metaphorical feeder to get the most sugar water, all while listening to the background chorus of “It’s mine!” and “It’s all about me—and look at me!”  and “You need to do it MY way.”

It seems like it’s everywhere. What used to be relegated to reality TV and the entertainment world now is a regular part of the nightly news, the political arena, government, commerce, sports, and religion. We’ve developed hair-trigger emotions that cause us to lash out, immediately jumping to conclusions, and falling into old stories without questioning the narratives that we or others tell.

And it’s making many stressed and tired, including me and many of my friends. Recently, a girlfriend came over for coffee and we gave each other a high-five as we both realized that we had come to the same conclusion: we’re personally exhausted by all the drama.

Created by Myka Alley with AI

Finding One’s Integrity

But what does that mean as an individual in a world that seems to be tipping on its axis? Personally, I have figured out that I cannot—and should not—control how anyone else lives, including their propensity for drama. But I can make every effort to control my choices and make decisions that are aligned with my personal integrity.

Case in point: A friend and I went to brunch recently and sat outside so my puppy could have a socialization experience. She ordered first and then I went into the restaurant to get some coffee at the self-serve station. I then decided to grab a cup of water to fill my dog’s water bowl and headed to the soft drink station, but there weren’t any cups available. 

I turned around and headed back to the ordering area, but no employee was there so I reached over to grab a cup—to the sound of someone angrily yelling at me, “You get away from there; you don’t belong back there.”

I was shocked by the woman’s accusatory and hostile tone of voice. I passed her on my way back to fill the cup with water and made a conscious decision not to engage with her anger. Fortunately, I had just spent several weeks going through Michael Brown’s The Presence Process, which invites the reader to learn to sit with emotional discomfort and then respond instead of reacting. I kept my emotions in check and tried to explain from my perspective why I was reaching for the glass. I also held my boundaries—I hadn’t done anything wrong—and didn’t buy into the shame and drama that she was trying to pile on me. 

Now, I don’t know if this restaurant has had a problem with theft. I don’t know what this middle-aged woman might have been dealing with in her life.  I don’t know what stories were rumbling in her mind about me and my intentions.

What I do know is that I refused to create a story around it. I refused to buy into the drama she created. And I didn’t let it ruin the time I spent with my friend.

4 Ways to Find Sanity

So how can we stay out of the drama these days? Here are some thoughts:

1. Commit to bringing an adult presence into the world. The way I’m using that descriptor is not based on age; instead, it’s how we act in the world. Instead of relying on a tantrum worthy of a two-year-old based on entitlement, we take responsibility for our choices and appreciate the ebb-and-flow of life. We give others grace, listen to their perspectives, realize that there’s a lot of gray area in most things, and find ways to cooperate and collaborate instead of competing.

   
   

2. Get off all devices periodically. It seems like our brains are getting rewired to salivate at the latest ding of a social media alert, the latest scrolling headline, or the latest push notification of a “once-in-a-lifetime” sale. And that’s causing huge amounts of stress, which in turn makes us feel in less control of our emotions. Can you instead notice what’s around you and enjoy the moment? I recently listened to an interview with certified bereavement counselor and author Mirabai Starr, who said she regularly goes for a walk in the mountains near her home in Taos, NM—and while she has a phone with her, she chooses instead to keep it off and revel in the sounds of nature.

   
   

3. Start learning the difference between reacting and responding—and watch what you and others do in various life situations. Brown describes the choice to respond as taking responsibility for navigating the quality of personal experience. To do this means s-l-o-w-i-n-g  d-o-w-n and taking a breath (or two or three). Then choose an appropriate and mindful response, which can include letting an emotion pass through you or firmly but kindly holding your ground while choosing your words carefully.

   
   

4. Maintain personal boundaries. We’ve all interacted with individuals who like to get a rise out of us. They are looking for energetic attention—and they make their choices—whether that’s a dramatic outburst, incessant whining or the silent treatment—based on how best to get it. How does it feel to be around these individuals? For me, these individuals are draining—and so I have learned about the importance of keeping boundaries in life, including the realization that “No” is a complete sentence. I have come to value my peace more than making these people happy.

   
   

Unfortunately, drama is part of our world, but I believe that we can each create an oasis of peace through our choices and behaviors. To do so means becoming aware of the drama that we’re creating—and then making the choice to react positively. Let’s figure out how to change culture’s current paradigm by demonstrating that there’s enough sugar water for everyone—and it’s in everyone’s best interest to kindly share the feeder with others.